Monday, 18 April 2016

The Diary of a Coeliacs Sufferer - Entry 1

TW: diets, disordered eating

Disclaimer - this post is written to get my own head round this topic so it may not be the best piece of writing.



Back in February, I was diagnosed with Coeliac's Disease, which is an autoimmune disease that attacks the lining of the small intestine, and the only treatment is a complete gluten free diet. 


Diet.


A word I've not spoken for years, and actively avoid for my own good.. 


Diet, and the idea of dieting, is a huge trigger for me, having suffered from disordered eating from my teens. 


Discovering the world of body positivity, and the idea that your body is the only one you have, and you have to love it, was a revelation. It saved me.


From that point forward, I've lived my life with the protective bubble of "Fuck Diet Culture" and been gloriously happy with living my life, where inspiring others was / is a wonderful byproduct.


I feel as though I'm a fraud to the BoPo movement, a failure to the community every time I use the word 'diet'. 


In my attempt to protect myself, I've turned the word 'diet' into a weapon. Every time I use it, to describe my food choices, or want to raise awareness about Coelics, I feel as though I'm firing a weapon into the world I've created around me - a word I know has so much meaning to so many, and a word I don't want to use if I can help it. 


I'm conflicted - I want to explore my new lifestyle, I want to share my food discoveries, and want to join new communities to expand my knowledge. But gluten free is so often associated with clean eating, or some such fad, that I'm stuck between protecting my MH, and accepting my limitations.


I hope I can read back on this in a few months time, and laugh- but I suspect, my body positivity - and fat activism - will continue to take a beating every time I'm asked how the diet is going. 


It's not a diet, it's a treatment. I've had to remove gluten from every aspect of my life, replacing my microwave, toaster and fridge freezer. I can't just pop out for a meal, but I have to contact them in advance to see if they can accommodate me. I have to pay 3 times as much for food, and I'm ridiculously limited by my options there too. 


I feel like my "Fuck Diets" bubble deflating around me, and I don't know how to stop it.


Much love, 

K x

6 comments:

  1. You're absolutely not a fraud! You work hard to support and uplift people.
    As you say, this is a treatment for an illness and as you've also said something you've been able to do freely (eating out for example) is now super limited. I think sharing your food discoveries only serves to help other sufferers find recipe inspiration. Some people find that sharing in this way helps them make sense of it themselves. This is a diet, in the true sense of the food you consume. It is not about weight loss, it is not born out of body negativity. It is neccessary for you.
    Plus it's been proven that, unless you suffer from an allergy or intolerance to gluten, eating gluten-free food is pointless. All it does is saps resources for actual sufferers!


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    Replies
    1. I really fucking needed to hear that mate. Thank you.

      I just hate that the word diet is associated with the weight loss world, so now I can't dis associate it from the two.

      Thank you for responding to my late night ramblings and for actually understanding it!! x

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  2. I hate the word diet with a vengeance too, but in honesty the word diet is just what we eat its just been hijacked by a multi million pound industry that's whole purpose is to make people feel crap about themselves to buy their products, I honestly think this probably came before the whole concern trolling type behaviour from health professionals, well meaning people and utter twunks who use it to make themselves feel superior.
    Anyhow I digress, you lady are in no way a fraud, you are in a period of adjustment which was always going to be hard and because of connatations associated with words and the whole GF is the clean diet (I echo Ruby Thunder, on that point) it is made more difficult. Give yourself some time, space and I know you will be back to being the fierce Body Pos warrior you are. Much love x

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  3. Oh honey - you are not a fraud. There is the world of difference between the need to cut a certain food type from your life for medical reasons and the idea of cutting food to look a certain way.

    We're all here for you and if you want to talk about the highs, the lows, the failed attempts at baking and the frustration of not being able to find a place to eat then go ahead - we're all here to support you and love you dearly!

    C xx
    CurvyGirlThin.com

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  4. You're still very much holding true to your ideas and views. Don't let a lifestyle change make you feel otherwise.

    It's HARD following a gluten free regime at first, and you don't need any additional pressure. I'm a few years in, and I still mess up sometimes. I do refer to my eating as my 'diet' but that is what it is... It's not a weight loss plan, it's just what I'm putting into my body so I can live and be healthy. I understand the struggle that the word presents though.

    Good luck with the new GF way of life, and I hope you're feeling better already!

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  5. Darling, I wouldn't even class this as a diet! You can make the most delicious gluten free foods from chocolate avocado tortes to pancakes! I'm a coeliac too and it's been such a nightmare for me that after 29 years of being a vegetarian I've had to start eating meat as it's just so difficult eating out and quite frankly embarrassing saying "I'm a vegetarian who can't eat gluten" Anyways it's more of a lifestyle change as opposed to a diet xxx

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