TW: diets, disordered eating
Disclaimer - this post is written to get my own head round this topic so it may not be the best piece of writing.
Back in February, I was diagnosed with Coeliac's Disease, which is an autoimmune disease that attacks the lining of the small intestine, and the only treatment is a complete gluten free diet.
A word I've not spoken for years, and actively avoid for my own good..
Diet, and the idea of dieting, is a huge trigger for me, having suffered from disordered eating from my teens.
Discovering the world of body positivity, and the idea that your body is the only one you have, and you have to love it, was a revelation. It saved me.
From that point forward, I've lived my life with the protective bubble of "Fuck Diet Culture" and been gloriously happy with living my life, where inspiring others was / is a wonderful byproduct.
I feel as though I'm a fraud to the BoPo movement, a failure to the community every time I use the word 'diet'.
In my attempt to protect myself, I've turned the word 'diet' into a weapon. Every time I use it, to describe my food choices, or want to raise awareness about Coelics, I feel as though I'm firing a weapon into the world I've created around me - a word I know has so much meaning to so many, and a word I don't want to use if I can help it.
I'm conflicted - I want to explore my new lifestyle, I want to share my food discoveries, and want to join new communities to expand my knowledge. But gluten free is so often associated with clean eating, or some such fad, that I'm stuck between protecting my MH, and accepting my limitations.
I hope I can read back on this in a few months time, and laugh- but I suspect, my body positivity - and fat activism - will continue to take a beating every time I'm asked how the diet is going.
It's not a diet, it's a treatment. I've had to remove gluten from every aspect of my life, replacing my microwave, toaster and fridge freezer. I can't just pop out for a meal, but I have to contact them in advance to see if they can accommodate me. I have to pay 3 times as much for food, and I'm ridiculously limited by my options there too.
I feel like my "Fuck Diets" bubble deflating around me, and I don't know how to stop it.